Parenting Beyond Care – The True Responsibility of Upbringing

While most parents provide care (الرعاية) and education (التعليم), many overlook the importance of upbringing (التربية). Each plays a unique role in a child’s development: care nurtures the body and emotions, education builds the mind, but upbringing (Tarbiyah) shapes character and the soul. If we focus only on care and education, we produce healthy bodies and intelligent minds. With proper upbringing, however, we cultivate righteous souls, leaders, and reformers.

What is “Care” (الرعاية) Care means meeting a child’s basic needs: providing food, shelter, clothing, health support, and hygiene; ensuring safety, protection, and a stable environment; offering emotional support, such as affection and comfort; and monitoring schoolwork. Even animals instinctively care for their young, but this alone does not fulfill the needs of a human being whom Allah created with a mind, heart, and soul.

Allah has entrusted us with our children. He says: ﴿الْمَالُ وَالْبَنُونَ زِينَةُ الْحَيَاةِ الدُّنْيَا﴾ [الكهف: 46]. “Wealth and children are [but] adornment of the worldly life.” (Al-Kahf 18:46)

Yet this adornment can turn into a burden if not guided by proper upbringing. Allah warns: ﴿يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا إِنَّ مِنْ أَزْوَاجِكُمْ وَأَوْلَادِكُمْ عَدُوًّا لَّكُمْ فَاحْذَرُوهُمْ﴾ [التغابن: 14] “O you who believe! Indeed, among your wives and your children are enemies to you, so beware of them.” (At-Taghabun 64:14)

What is “Upbringing” (Tarbiyah): (التربية) Upbringing goes deeper than care and education. It is about shaping the mind, heart, and soul for this life and the Hereafter. It means: 1. Instilling beliefs, values and morals. (غرس القناعات والقيم) 2. Directing Interests and Use of Time (توجيه الاهتمامات) 3. Discovering Talents and Skills (اكتشاف المهارات والمواهب). 4. Building social skills and healthy relationships. (التربية على العلاقات) 5. Guiding towards true role models (التربية على العلاقات) 6. Training for responsibility and independence. (التربية على تحمل المسؤولية)

The Prophet ﷺ reminded us: «كلكم راعٍ وكلكم مسؤول عن رعيته، فالإمام راعٍ وهو مسؤول عن رعيته، والرجل راعٍ في أهله وهو مسؤول عن رعيته...» (Bukhari & Muslim). “Every one of you is a shepherd, and every one of you will be asked about his flock…” (Bukhari & Muslim).

Pillars of Proper Upbringing (أركان التربية)

1. Instilling Beliefs, Values and morals (غرس القناعات والقيم) The most urgent responsibility is to nurture faith in Allah, honesty, justice, mercy, and respect. ﴿يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا قُوا أَنفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا﴾ [التحريم: 6]. “O you who believe! Protect yourselves and your families from a Fire…” (At-Tahrim 66:6).

The Prophet ﷺ said: «إنما بُعثت لأتمم مكارم الأخلاق» [مالك]. “I was only sent to perfect noble character.” (Malik).

This protection comes from both guidance and the example set by parents. When a father never lies, he teaches honesty better than a hundred lectures.

2. Directing Interests and Use of Time (توجيه الاهتمامات) A child’s mind is like fertile soil, whatever is planted will grow. Guide children to reading, sports, and helping others, and shield them from harmful digital distractions.

The Prophet ﷺ said: «نعمتان مغبون فيهما كثير من الناس: الصحة والفراغ» [البخاري]. “There are two blessings which many people waste: health and free time.” (Bukhari).

3. Discovering Talents and Skills (اكتشاف المهارات والمواهب) Every child is gifted with special abilities, such as leadership, problem-solving, or creativity. Parents must observe and nurture these gifts. Allah says: ﴿وَرَفَعْنَا بَعْضَهُمْ فَوْقَ بَعْضٍ دَرَجَاتٍ … ﴾ [الزخرف: 32] “…We raised some of them above others in ranks …” (Az-Zukhruf 43:32).

Imam al-Shafi‘i’s mother recognized his sharp memory and guided him towards scholarship, which helped him become a great imam.

4. Building Healthy Relationships (التربية على العلاقات) Children must learn to choose good friends, cut off harmful ties, and resolve conflicts. ﴿الْأَخِلَّاءُ يَوْمَئِذٍ بَعْضُهُمْ لِبَعْضٍ عَدُوٌّ إِلَّا الْمُتَّقِينَ﴾ (الزخرف: 67) “On that Day, friends will be enemies to each other, except the righteous.” (Al-Zukhrif 43:67)

The Prophet ﷺ said: «المرء على دين خليله، فلينظر أحدكم من يخالل» [أبو داود]. “A person is upon the religion of his close friend, so let one of you look carefully at whom he befriends.” (Abu Dawud).

Parents can use stories and real-life examples to teach about true companionship.

5. Teaching the Right Standards of Role Models (التربية على العلاقات) Society often glorifies celebrities lacking real values, but true role models are the prophets, scholars, and righteous predecessors. ﴿لَّقَدْ كَانَ لَكُمْ فِي رَسُولِ اللَّهِ أُسْوَةٌ حَسَنَةٌ﴾ [الأحزاب: 21]. “Indeed, in the Messenger of Allah you have a perfect example.” (Al-Ahzab 33:21).

Parents should share biographies of great figures, highlighting the difference between empty fame and true impact.

6. Training for Responsibility (التربية على تحمل المسؤولية) Responsibility begins early: making one’s bed, helping parents, serving others. The Prophet ﷺ entrusted youth like Ibn Abbas with deep lessons and Ibn Masud with responsibilities, preparing them for leadership. Parents should: • Assign age-appropriate tasks. • Allow children to make choices and face consequences. • Involve them in community service and acts of giving.

The Fruits of True Upbringing (ثمار التربية) 1. Strong personality: confident, value-driven, purposeful. 2. Protection from deviation: resilience against peer pressure. 3. Ongoing reward for parents after death: The Prophet ﷺ said: «إذا مات ابن آدم انقطع عمله إلا من ثلاث… أو ولد صالح يدعو له» [مسلم]. “When a person dies, all his deeds end except three: ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge, or a righteous child who prays for him.” (Muslim).

Providing care and education for our children is necessary, but not sufficient. Care nourishes the body, but Tarbiyah nourishes the soul. Care produces children; upbringing produces leaders, reformers, and righteous servants of Allah.

Let us transform our homes from places of care into schools of Tarbiyah. Let us raise children who bring light to the world, honor their generation, and remain a source of ongoing reward for us after we leave this world.